


A Goodbye I Didn't Know I Needed (The First Part, Last Part Remix)

by The_Plaid_Slytherin



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: M/M, Remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-19
Updated: 2011-04-19
Packaged: 2017-10-18 09:10:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/187284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Plaid_Slytherin/pseuds/The_Plaid_Slytherin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis says good-bye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Goodbye I Didn't Know I Needed (The First Part, Last Part Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [puszysty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/puszysty/gifts).



> Remix of [A Goodbye I Didn't Know I Needed](http://archiveofourown.org/works/76732) by puszysty.

Louis hasn't expected to be told where they were keeping Felix, so he's almost shaken when Tigh stops in front of him for a moment, mutters "E Deck, general quarters. There's a guard, but if you want to go, he'll know you're coming."

Louis is startled, but he nods. Tigh inclines his head once and then he's gone, crossing CIC to bark at somebody else who's trying to do three jobs at once, just like they all are, since the mutiny.

Louis doesn't know if he'll even go.

**

  
_  
He doesn't know Gaeta well, for one thing—he's just going off Dee's recommendation, and he hates being set up._

 _Somehow though, he finds himself making his way down to Joe's. After all, he doesn't want to be a jerk and stand the guy up._

 _"Hey," Gaeta says, raising his glass in greeting when Louis approaches. He's sitting alone, at the corner of the bar. Louis spots some guys from_ Pegasus _a few seats down, but he doesn't say hello. Instead, he chooses the stool next to Gaeta. Somewhere, Dee is very pleased with herself._

 _"Hi," Louis says, cursing himself for sounding so awkward._

 _"Look," Gaeta says. "Just so you know, I hate blind dates. And you probably do, too, so let's just make the best of this, okay?" There's a hint of a smile_

 _"Sounds good to me." Louis looks down at the bar, at the drink that's appeared there as if by magic. There's a pause._

 _"And so begins the first of many awkward silences," Gaeta says._

 _Louis smirks. "So, do you come here often?"_

 _Gaeta rolls his eyes. "Not like there's anyplace else to go."_

 _"True." Louis can see that this relationship is off to a roaring start._

 _"Okay," Gaeta says, sitting up straighter. "I'll get started. What about the old standby? Tell me about yourself? Who is Louis Hoshi outside of CIC?"_

 _Louis shrugs. Honestly, he isn't sure. Sometimes, he has trouble remembering that he used to be a person away from the fight, that he has an identity outside of Lt. L Hoshi, #871076. Finally, he says, "I like jazz fusion." He pauses. "Though, that's kind of irrelevant now."_

 _"I like long walks on the beach." Gaeta's eyes are dancing with mischief and Louis realizes he's never really studied him before._

 _"Okay, Gaeta," he says, resting his elbow on the bar and leaning his head on his hand. "Next beach we find, I'll take you for a long walk on it."_

 _Gaeta grins and something curls in Louis's stomach. "Deal. And call me Felix."  
_   


**

Louis stands in front of the hatch, staring at it. The guard says nothing, doesn't so much as acknowledge Louis's presence.

Louis squares his shoulders and stares at the handle. It should be easy. All he has to do is open the door and go in.

But he could leave, too, couldn't he? They're going to execute him tomorrow; if he wants to, Louis never has to see him again.

His hands curl around the door handle.

No, he owes it to Felix to do this. They're going to execute him tomorrow; the least Louis can do is be there for him, maybe tell him.... Tell him what, exactly? What it was like to see him slip away?

No, Louis doesn't expect to do much talking, if Felix will even talk to him.

The guard must think he's crazy. Louis runs a hand through his hair one more time, conscious of the knowledge that Felix liked it a little longer.

Taking a deep breath, Louis pulls the hatch open.

**

 _Felix's eyes light up. "Hey!" he says, not able to hide his gladness, which gives Louis a thrill of pleasure. "Glad you could make it."_

 _Louis smiles crookedly. "Admiral Cain used to insist on punctuality."_

 _Felix smirks, one of Louis's favorite expressions on him. "Good. Because this is the way it works over here—I ask for the room for two hours and two hours is going to be all I'll get."_

 _Louis laughs. "I guess we'd better get started then."_

 _The words are barely out of his mouth before Felix is kissing him, cupping his jaw and urging him closer. Louis responds in kind, letting his hands drift up and down Felix's back, warm under the fabric of his uniform jacket._

 _That thought startles Louis a little, as he's never been with a fellow soldier. Even when the_ Pegasus _crew thought they were alone, he never took advantage of the fact that the command staff was starting to look the other way on the subject of certain regs._

 _They undress each other slowly, Felix's hands lingering on Louis's uniform so much that he almost wants to ask the same question. He doesn't, though, because that would interrupt the flow and all he wants to do now is let the tide carry him away._

 __

**

Felix looks hollow, not like himself—but how long has it been since he really _did_ look like himself? Louis finds himself entertaining the thought that he's never known the real Felix Gaeta, that he's always been a shell of who he once was.

But they all are, probably, though Louis knows not having New Caprica is one reason he'll never quite be able to understand Felix completely, not that he has a chance now.

"I didn't expect you to come." Felix's voice is flat from disuse. Louis feels an unpleasant prickle on his spine. Where did things go wrong? Was there anything he could have done, any signs he could have been on the lookout for? Did it all happen on _Demetrius_? That Raptor?

"To tell you the truth, _I_ didn't expect me to come," Louis replies.

There is the briefest hint of movement at the corners of Felix's mouth and Louis realizes with a pang that he'll never see him smile again.

Felix doesn't say anything else. He looks away. Louis crosses over to sit next to him on the bed, as far apart as they can get and still be next to each other.

"I thought," Felix finally says, "I thought that when I said—when I—I thought you'd already be done with me."

"You can't get rid of me that easily," Louis says, but there's no mirth to it.

Felix turns slowly to look at him and Louis can't help but meet his eyes. "Thanks," he says. "For everything, I mean, you…"

"Don't," Louis says, and he can hear his voice crack. He doesn't want to cry. Not after all this. He isn't going to put Felix in the position of having to comfort _him_.

"Louis, I—"

**

 _He stops. Louis looks down at him, on the bed under him._

 _"You okay?"_

 _"Yeah." Felix smiles, making Louis's stomach turns over. "I just—" He shakes his head, deciding against saying more, and pulls Felix down for another lingering kiss. Louis doesn't want to push him; he knows Felix has to do things at his own pace. It's enough that he's gotten him to open up this much. Felix hides so much of himself away that Louis has learned to go in inches._

 _"Tell me if you want me to stop, okay?" Louis looks hard into Felix's eyes, trying to get a feel for what he really means and what he's only saying because he thinks it's what Louis wants to hear._

 _"I will. But you're fine." Felix runs his fingers through Louis's hair. "Keep going."_

 _Louis kisses his shoulder. "You're great," he murmurs, as Felix lets out the most perfect little gasp at the movement of Louis's fingers. "Just relax."_

 _Felix nods, looking like he's incapable of speaking. Louis kisses him again, the corner of his mouth. Felix's hands are everywhere, in Louis's hair, running up and down his back. Every movement makes him groan and Louis can only stand it for a little while before he comes apart. Felix follows moments later and they lay there like that for a long while, until Felix brushes Louis's damp hair off his forehead and mutters, "Louis, I—I—That was amazing."_

 _Louis kisses him again and doesn't say anything else._

**

"What?" Louis says sharply. He doesn't know if he's sad or angry, or just nothing, and he doesn't want to hurt Felix. Felix, who tried not to hurt him, tried to do what he did in the most painless way possible.

But he'd still done it.

"Nothing," Felix says, looking away.

Louis doesn't know why he does it. He'd told himself he wouldn't, though he still came prepared. He reaches out and rests his hand, ever-so-gently, on Felix's leg. Felix looks up, startled, almost… scared.

"I—" he starts, but he doesn't know how to finish it, but Felix doesn't let him. The kiss is tentative and hesitant, giving Louis a chance to pull away, but he doesn't.

It's not like before, but Louis doesn't expect it to be. It's one last chance and Louis feels better about it, knowing that this is the last time, the last chance. This is good-bye.

They undress slowly, without even a word. Louis is glad for the silence. It lets him focus on Felix, and he doesn't know what he'd say, anyway.

Instead, he just commits every inch of Felix to memory. He closes his eyes, willing himself not to cry, not to let this mean any more than it does. Part of him wants to ask Felix "Why?" but he knows he doesn't really want to hear the answer.

He just wants to make things comfortable for Felix, before the inevitable happens.

"Louis," Felix says. His voice sounds strangled, distant, and Louis just kisses him, not wanting to reply.

There's none of the banter they usually have during sex. Instead, it's slow and careful, Louis holding Felix's leg up, to take some of the pressure off him.

Felix looks up at him in silent thanks, though Louis doesn't say anything, can't say anything. He studies Felix, watching his eyelids flutter as Louis moves inside him. He wants to say _something_ , wants to let Felix know that as much as he's wanted to pretend otherwise, nothing about Louis's feelings have changed.

It would be easier if it had.

Louis is the first to break, like always. Felix has a little more control, or perhaps he just needs to hold onto this feeling longer than Louis does, knowing that he's about to die.

But Felix does eventually come, after what feels like an eternity, but can't be more than a few seconds. Louis tries to memorize the way his face looks when he's at his height, dropping a kiss to his forehead as Felix lets out the slightest hint of a whimper.

He promised himself he wouldn't cry, but he knows he won't be able to hold that back, either.

"I love you," he mutters, speaking the words he wishes he had said earlier. Would it have stopped anything, or just delayed the inevitable? Louis doesn't want to dwell on these thoughts. Just this moment. That's it, nothing more.

Felix stirs beneath him and Louis's heart starts to beat a little faster. Should he not have…?

"I love you, too," Felix whispers.

Louis doesn't know if it's just him crying, or both of them, doesn't want to know. He isn't sure how long he lays there, just listening to Felix's breathing, feeling Felix's hands on his back. There's time for him to stop crying, though, time for him to think he may be able to face the world.

He gets up slowly, desperate not to let this end. He wishes he could pause life here and never leave this room.

Instead, he makes himself get dressed, one article of clothing at a time, to prolong the process. Felix doesn't move, doesn't say anything.

Once dressed, Louis looks back at him, ignoring the pang of longing that hits him. "Here," he says, gathering Felix's clothes for him. "Do you—?"

"No, I'm fine." Felix sits up slowly and scoots to the edge of the bed. He sits there for a moment, as if having just realized he can't go anywhere without the prosthesis. "I can do it."

"Okay." Louis looks down at the blue of Felix's neatly-folded uniform against the white of the sheets. It's a way not to look at Felix, a way to prevent himself from crawling back into bed with him again.

It takes an eternity to get to the door, and he pauses.

"Thanks," he finally says.

**

 _"Thanks?" Felix smirks, running his fingers through Louis's hair. "That's what you say after we have sex for the first time? Thanks?"_

 _Louis cringes. "Sorry. I never know what to say."_

 _Felix laughs and kisses him. "It's okay. It's... cute. You're cute sometimes."_

 _Louis smiles. "I am? No one's ever called me cute before."_

 _"Well, I am," Felix declares. "So, you're welcome, and… I hope this happens again."_

 _"I hope this happens again, too," Louis says, running his finger down Felix's sternum. "A lot of agains, actually."_

 _"Good. That's what I was planning on."_

 _Felix kisses him again and Louis loses track of time. He thinks they do it again, but he's really not thinking clearly. He's completely absorbed in Felix, in this new relationship they have, so full of possibilities, of promise, of future. He's never felt this way about anybody, but there's a part of him that thinks it's too good to be true._

 _No, he decides. After all they've been through, they deserve something to feel optimistic about._

**

Louis half-imagines he'll know when it happens, like he has some cosmic, romantic connection to Felix, so that the moment death comes, he'll know. But that doesn't happen.

Instead, Louis spends the morning waiting, sitting at his old station in CIC, staring at the screen. For a moment, the lines and images blur, but then, Louis blinks back his tears. He did all he could, he decides. There was nothing more. Felix had made his own decisions.

The words ring hollow inside his head, though, and Louis knows he doesn't believe them. It's easier to lie to himself, though.

He leans forward, resting his chin on his hand and lets a single tear leak out. He's had his good-bye. Now just comes the living with it.


End file.
